how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
