u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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