Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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