Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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