there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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