I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
