Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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