doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
