Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I came so hard my ears popped.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
