Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
false alarm. still invincible.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
