She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize