I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How external is "for external use only"?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
