I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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