just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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