she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
