So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
