Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
