Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
