i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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