the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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