Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
tell me about the eggs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
