I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize