trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
