I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
