the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't deserve a penis
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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