he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
