and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize