So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
