i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
