is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
