I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
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