when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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