just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
