this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I lost the right to judge tonight
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
