That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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