i think my tv is drunk
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
