the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I cannot find my penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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