My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
