are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
