As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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