I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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