I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
