You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
