I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
