I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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