What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
