shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
no you cant smoke seaweed
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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