there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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