just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
