can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
