Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
