Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize