nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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