i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I won't apologize to a one balled man
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
