yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
